Wearing Men's Boxers + My Worry Brain

I wear men’s boxers as pjs.

When I got married, I confiscated Dan’s boxers.

I’ve never been the cute matching pajama set kinda girl.

After years of wear and tear, the boxers are now torn and tattered, but I still wear them because they’re soooo cozy. Dan gently suggested, maybe it’s time to purchase new boxers.

The current brand of boxers I wear are no longer made. I excitedly open my laptop and start searching retail sites for men’s cotton boxers. (they must be cotton). I start scrolling.

Does anyone else get overwhelmed by how many options of everything there is available online? It really stresses me out. I don’t do stress. So, I closed my laptop thinking, I’ll get to this later because it will take more time and focused attention than I had anticipated.

Later slowly became, I have turned this into a project that I will dread instead of being excited about.

My sweet, empathetic husband who is now fully invested in this boxer situation recommends, why don’t you bring them to your tailor to sew? I can’t help but smile because Dan cares so deeply about every little intimate detail of my life. It’s incredibly endearing.

My tailor is very talented and highly sought after. I’ve brought him gorgeous gowns for galas and weddings. I’m talking Oscar worthy. Can you imagine the look on his face when I bring him my tattered men’s boxers from 1994 Dan-the-college-years? How ridiculous. I feel embarrassed just picturing it.

You must be thinking, this post should be titled - ‘Andrea is weird + I’m going to unsubscribe now.'

Anyway…

Fast forward to the boxers are purchased and delivered. Lots of them. The boxes of boxers sit at the bottom of the steps for weeks. Every time I see them, I get overwhelmed. It’s too much. I don’t have the energy to try them on right now. I can’t bring myself to do just one more thing. And if I don’t like them, I’ll have to start over and make returns. Then it feels like a waste of time. I fear it will disrupt my peaceful rhythm and routine. It’s yet another decision I must make when I need a mental break or need to unwind.

As the days go by and I have yet to try on the boxers, I start to worry.

Do I worry about my therapy sessions with clients? Nope.

Do I worry when I’m preparing a keynote presentation for a conference in front of hundreds of people? Nope.

Did I worry when I was writing my book? Nope.

Do I worry about men’s boxers? Yup.

They take up space in my mind. They steal my joy. They feel like a chore. They feel like failure because even a simple task feels like “too much.”

The unopened boxes begin to taunt me.

When I pass by them, I get annoyed and then stressed. Seems silly, they’re just boxers. But it’s not the boxers. It’s what they represent and what I make them mean about me:

Andrea why is your life so busy right now that you don’t even have the time to try on boxers. You steer clear of busy. What’s wrong with you? You can’t even do a simple task.

My worry brain switches on and I become anxious.

Reason being, I have done so much intense inner work to protect my peace and prioritize my happiness. I’m not simply talking about setting boundaries. It’s deeper than that. It’s a lifestyle. It’s an unwavering self-confidence and joy of the soul. It’s a way of life that includes making time for and enjoying the little things. Like trying on men’s boxers. When this doesn’t happen week after week, I get worried that I’m losing control or failing at the lifestyle I worked hard to obtain.

The reality is that during this boxer dilemma, I was preparing for a women’s conference and creating a new professional endeavor while simultaneously seeing therapy clients and running my private practice. I had more on my plate than usual which means other things will not get done.

I finally did get around to the try-on session and had to exchange all the boxers for a different size, but I loved each one. It was simple. I wondered why I waited so long to order them in the first place. What a difference it makes to have a dozen boxers to choose from every night instead of needing to do laundry multiple times a week.

Oh, and I nearly broke my wrist putting on a torn boxer because the waist band came apart and my leg got stuck and I almost fell hard.

What is the nagging worry brain thing that is stressful for you right now?

Perhaps it’s piles of laundry. The pile of dishes in your sink. The unanswered emails in your inbox. Your messy office that needs to be organized. Getting back into your exercise routine. Having your oil changed. Making meals again instead of always ordering in. Talking to your therapist. Scheduling those doctor appointments. Reaching out to that family member. Writing the book. Monetizing the Big Idea. Starting the passion project. Reading your Bible more. Having an intentional quiet time each morning.

Whether your task is big or small - what are you making not getting around to it mean about you?

You’re selfish. You’re lazy. You’re behind. You’re a failure. You’re flawed. Your priorities are wrong. Everybody else has it together except you.  

Let’s not be hard on ourselves. We don’t have to make it personal or complicated and worry about it never getting done.

It. Will. Get. Done.

And who knows, you might even enjoy it. Have extra energy for it. Realize it was easier than you thought. Discover wisdom you never considered before. Wonder why you waited so long. Experience a peace that passes understanding. Realize the dread and defeat mindset was more costly that actually doing it.

Get in the practice of asking yourself: What am I so worried about? Is the worry worth it?

Ambitious Women Who Worry

I treat clients who experience high-functioning anxiety with perfectionistic tendencies who tend to overthink everything.

They experience catastrophic thinking and get stuck inside their head constantly worrying about the what ifs. Falling and staying asleep is a struggle because their mind ruminates on things outside of their control. They replay conversations, worrying about what everyone thinks.

They struggle with imposter syndrome no matter how successful they are. They sacrifice well-being and personal fulfillment for external achievement. Their self-esteem is dependent upon reputation, appearance, and performance. They can’t seem to break bad habits due to stress. They feel pressure to build an empire, dominate an industry, and be the number one.

They feel like they aren’t doing enough and constantly compare to others. They have difficulty turning their worry brain off and truly resting when they’re not working. Even when things are going well, they’re waiting for something bad to happen.

I get it.

Chances are, if you choose a thriving career or ministry, understand that you won’t always have the time to manage every detail at home. Or have the bandwidth to attend every social engagement or family gathering.

Often the fact that you’re an overthinker means you’re an intellectual powerhouse. You have a powerful mind and keen intuition which probably serves you well in your career and leads to success.

But what happens when you add fear and uncertainty to the mix?

Fear + Uncertainty = Anxiety

Anxiety and its close cousin, worry, both come from fear. Fear itself does not equal anxiety and worry. Fear is a learned thing and fear's main job is helping you survive. Because of how your brain is wired, fear teaches you to avoid dangerous situations in the future. Anxiety happens when our brain doesn't have enough information to accurately predict the future. Without this accurate information, our brain tends to create stories of worry and dread.

Your overthinking worried mind screams at you spiraling out of control into what ifs and imagining worst-case scenarios. In hopes that by analyzing every detail you won’t get caught off guard. The reality is that life is unpredictable.

Overthinking doesn’t keep you safe; it just makes you anxious.

What I’ve learned about anxiety both personally and in my clinical work with clients is that we believe worrying and anxiously overthinking helps protect us against future hardship. Overthinking can serve as a coping mechanism when you feel out of control. You believe you are in control and protecting yourself by doing something.

But that something isn’t “doing,” it’s thinking. It’s not protection – it’s anxiety. And it’s not helping.

Often what it does do is rob you of the joy in the present. Or you force something to happen before it’s time because you are afraid and want to control things. You settle for an Ishmael (inevitable hardship) rather than wait for your Isaac (God’s promise).

I help my clients understand, that’s just your worry brain.

Don't Worry About Worrying

You might spend much of your life adding to your worry by trying to fix it.

Don’t worry about worrying. Instead…

Trust yourself. You will be able to handle every situation that might arise in your life in the precise moment you need it and not a minute before. Think about all the things you feared that never happened. Or how the hard things you’ve experienced in the past that did happen, introduced you to a resilient version of yourself that you never knew existed.

Trust the timing of your life. Embrace your journey. Have faith that God is working behind the scenes on your behalf even when you can’t see it or don’t understand. Believe that it’s going to be better than you could ever imagine (Eph. 3:20). And that being in the right here, right now is where you find joy.

Learn to recognize your triggers because unless you live in the middle of nowhere, you are going to be triggered – regularly. Identify the lies you tell yourself – just because you think it, doesn’t mean it’s true. Refrain from making yourself a problem to solve or a project to fix and treat yourself as a person worthy of compassion. Feel your feelings because you have them for a reason. Get consciously curious and take the time to know yourself more deeply. Don’t be afraid to ask for help when nothing else is helping.

Whenever you fall back into old worry habits, stop and self-correct. You can attend to tomorrow’s worries as they come and not a moment before. Most likely you will find they will disappear as you approach them. Or that a way to deal with it will appear.

Wait until they present themselves before you in the immediate present, and you find that every hardship carries with it the wisdom and wherewithal for its overcoming.

Perhaps you expect to have a certain thing at a certain time, and not get it at that time. This might appear to you like a failure. Believe you will receive something so much better that you will see that the seeming failure was really a great success.

Or when everything feels like “too much” – even the smallest tasks (like trying on men’s boxers) - remember the worried driven mental heaviness of what you make it mean about you is harder than doing the task itself.

Your Imagination Superpower

Anxious overthinkers tend to be leaders and creatives with vivid imaginations. Pair this superpower with worry and BAM! – you’re always anticipating the future and preparing for worst-case scenarios.

Spiritually speaking, follow Paul’s advice to cast down imaginations and take every thought captive (2 Cor. 10:5, KJV).

Try using your superpower to imagine best-case scenarios instead of worst-case scenarios.

Worry can show up as imagining the future without God in it. But God tells us, I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for (Jer. 29:11, MSG).

Try to refrain from dwelling on every possible foreboding thought and what if question and remind yourself Jesus says that tomorrow will worry about itself (Matt. 6:34).

You might be wondering - how do I finally stop worrying? You don’t. There’s no magic formula. 

There’s no one big moment when poof, the worry’s gone. It’s an on-going, cyclical journey consisting of millions of smaller moments that add up to a peaceful way of living.

Deal with one worry thought at a time. Repeating it again…and again…and again…

If you think peace of mind and overcoming anxiety is supposed to be a quick fix and look like something specific. And you haven’t experienced it. And you wonder if the rest of us are all in on some big secret that you’re missing. Let me assure you. You’re not missing anything. 

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Need help dealing with worry and anxiety or with any of these concepts above? Get in touch to request a therapy appointment.