Thus far in this series about projectizing, a deeper form of perfectionism, showing up in a tendency to anxiously fix ourselves, we discussed how important it is to refrain from making ourselves a project to be fixed or a problem to solve - rather than a person worthy of love and compassion.
We also explored Sarah’s story of shame around her singleness and confusion about her faith. As well as helpful ways to overcome chronic overthinking and how to break free from obsessively trying to control our circumstances and relationships.
In today’s post, I am sharing a personal story of healing and breakthrough and how the defense of projectizing was creating unnecessary suffering in my life. I went through a season where I experienced sporadic migraines. I was confused why I had them because everything else in my life seemed normal and fine. Every time I would get a migraine, anxiety would come over me.
If I could just figure out why... I reached out to my doctor, who prescribed medication for my migraines. The migraines always occurred in the early morning and after I took the meds, they were gone after a couple of hours of lying in bed. The migraine episodes happened on and off for about eight months. I spent an inordinate amount of time, money, emotional energy, and mental stress trying to figure out why I had developed migraines.
It was as if I was treating myself like an appliance that needed to be fixed.
I conducted a great deal of research on migraines. As a result, I scheduled an appointment with my primary care physician, met with a neurologist, did a sleep study, had an MRI, met with my dentist, saw an orthodontist, and started seeing a chiropractor to figure out the cause of my migraines. All of my results came back as normal. I was completely fine, and, in fact, very healthy, but I was frustrated. And anxious. There must be a reason! I was scared. I spiraled into worst-case scenarios. I feared the migraines would never go away and affect my counseling practice and my life. I anxiously thought:
What if my migraines worsened so I couldn’t meet with clients?
What if I couldn’t pay my bills?
What if my faith is not strong enough?
What if my social life is impacted?
In reality, this never was the case. It was my anxiety speaking. Instead of focusing on what was happening in the moment (my migraine went away and I am fine), I made it worse by going down the rabbit hole of why.
The migraine wasn't the problem. My problem was asking why.
A Fear of Pain Rooted In Shame
In addition to the why anxiety, I felt ashamed. I believed the migraines were my fault, so I felt desperate to fix them and find a reason. I was embarrassed to tell people I had a migraine because I believed I had done something wrong. I failed.
During my quiet time one morning, I was spending time with God and calling out to Him for wisdom, help, and healing. As I was praying, I saw a image of God turning on a faucet representing my emotions, which I had unknowingly turned off while I was experiencing the migraines. The image resonated with me, and I realized that I was angry with myself for having migraines. Sounds silly, but that is what I was feeling deep down.
I felt prompted to ask my body for forgiveness. That was the last thing I expected to hear. It felt odd and awkward, but I trusted my intuition. And I obeyed the still, small voice. So I asked my body for forgiveness for being so mean and cruel to it. For judging it, trying to fix it, and being angry with it for the pain I was experiencing. For trying to control it and force a solution. After the forgiveness prayer, my migraines ceased completely and I’ve never had one since!
After that miraculous day, I was in awe. Yet, simultaneously I developed an intense sadness. As I sat with the feeling of sadness, tears streaming down my face, and processed it, I realized the sadness was associated with how I treated myself so cruelly during the migraine months. I grieved over the way I shamed and attacked myself.
I was unconsciously operating in the defense of projectizing—making myself a project to be fixed and problem to be solved rather than comforting a hurting person who was anxious and afraid.
I would never talk to a friend the way I talked to myself.
The self-attack and shame manifested in expending so much time and energy trying to find a reason why I had migraines instead of being compassionate and loving during a painful time in my life. I created unnecessary suffering by being cruel and mean to myself. I judged myself for having migraines. I treated my body as if it was a machine or a robot that wasn’t working properly and I wanted to fix it. Beneath the surface I was sad and angry. Instead of feeling my feelings, I developed anxiety, which fueled my need to know why - because if I knew why, I could stop the pain.
But instead of stopping the pain of my migraines, (the meds did that) I wanted to stop the shame of believing they were my fault. That I had done something wrong. I realize now, looking back at all my must-find-out-why research and doctor appointments that everything was being fueled by fear in an attempt to control my pain. Control is often rooted in fear, and I was operating under a fear of pain. For me, pain equated to shame. I had failed. Therefore, I needed to find out why so I could fix it.
Pain also triggered "what-if" anxiety that I would be trapped and lose control over my life.
It was not the actual pain of the migraine that was creating such suffering; it was both the shame and the anxiety of trying to fix it that was the real source of my pain.
The breakthrough aha-moment I took away from that time: The mental suffering I put myself through was more painful than the migraines.
Why Doesn't Matter
I learned a valuable truth through this experience about my fear of pain and how it was causing me anxiety and shame. Avoiding my emotions and projectizing when I experienced pain that I did not understand or have a reason for was my self-sabotaging, unconscious pattern.
The unconscious became conscious and the truth set me free.
Trigger: Anxiety from a painful moment
Behavior: Try to figure out why I am in pain (and anxious)
Result: Experience additional anxiety (and beat myself up)
When I felt a migraine coming on, I would take my medication and rest in bed, and within a couple of hours it was gone and I was back on my feet. All of the fears and what-if statements of not being able to counsel my clients, enjoy a social life, or pay my bills one day because I feared the migraines would never go away - was not my reality.
The reality is that I was OK and my life was not severely disrupted as I had feared.
Essentially, my need to know why and to fix my migraines anxiously consumed my thoughts, exhausted me emotionally, stole my joy and peace, and created anxiety. I was trying to fix myself because of what I made my migraines mean: I did something wrong. I am trapped because they will never go away.
I made a promise to refrain from being mean or cruel to myself when I experience pain whether physical or emotional. To feel my feelings. And instead of demanding an answer and getting caught in the why why why - I learned to focus on what was happening in the reality of the present moment.
Now whenever I notice a why question demanding a reason, I say to myself, Why doesn't matter.
It was this breakthrough experience that led me to create the psychological term projecizing as a defense mechanism in treating my clients so we could put a name to the hidden pain that what was creating unnecessary suffering.
In therapy sessions, a client tells me their well-meaning husband or friends say, "Hasn't your therapist helped you fix your anxiety?" Or _____ (fill in the blank issue that is their problem). They fall into a similar mental trap and they believe if they can just figure out why they are anxious or why they're "still struggling" that the answer will be the magic formula that fixes their problem.
The defense of projectizing is the most common yet most subtle of all the defense mechanisms I witness in my clinical practice. And awareness of this defense is a life-changing revelation that continues to bring healing and freedom for many.
A Crisis of Faith
Spiritually speaking, the defense of projectizing and needing to know why can also show up in our relationship with God. I've discovered that many of my therapy clients experience a crisis of faith when an unexpected emotional injury occurs such as loss, divorce, or being fired.
They tend to skip over their pain and land in anxiety fueled what-ifs:
What if I'm not actually following God's will?
What if I did I not hear from him correctly?
What if God is trying to humble me or teach me a lesson?
What if God allowed this to happen because my faith is not strong enough?
What if my relationship with God has never really been what I thought it was?
What-if questions often lead to inner turmoil and develops into a crisis of faith adding an additional layer of suffering to an already painful problem. I help my clients identify and work through their faith crisis in addition to the problem they are facing.
The tendency to view their faith as a problem to solve is often overcome when they begin to focus on God as a person they are in a personal, intimate relationship with. A relationship that gives them permission to be human. To doubt. To be afraid. To get angry. To be sad. To freak out.
My migraine miracle is a continuous reminder of the power of loving kindness over the pain of judging myself or beating myself up. Allowing myself to simply be human. And how what I think is a flaw or weakness actually becomes my strength. Instead of worrying about being perfect, I have faith that God's power is made perfect in my weakness. (2 Cor. 12:9).
**The content for this blog post has been taken from chapter 8 (When You Become A Cuckoo, Making Yourself a Project to Fix) of Andrea’s book, The Cuckoo Syndrome: The Secret to Breaking Free from Unhealthy Relationships, Toxic Thinking, and Self-Sabotaging Behavior
The photo accompanying this article was sourced from Unsplash and is in the public domain.
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