I recently watched the Netflix documentary, “Martha,” and found it inspiring and validating because of the life lessons I’ve learned over the last few years. Specifically, redefining what success looks like for me.
One of the major changes I made was to only write and create when I feel inspired from my personal life.
I never put stuff out there just to put it out there. I must live it and feel it so you can feel it too. I want my writing to be personal and relatable. I want to inspire, not impress. To go deep, not wide.
Writing is a co-creation with God. If I don’t feel connected to something bigger than myself, that’s how I know my writing is ego-driven and not spirit-driven. That’s a yucky feeling. It’s draining. It’s not life-giving. It’s saturated with comparison, pride, perfectionism, and being disconnected from myself.
If you haven’t figured this out already, my passion is marrying together personal stories with science, scripture, and psychology so it’s practical and helpful to you.
My secret to success: It must be me
From the beginning, I’ve always written my own content. I strongly believe what I put out in the world needs to be my voice. That’s non-negotiable. Prior to my book launch I was encouraged to hire a team of people to create a “following” and “brand.”
Up until publishing the book, I never worked with a team other than my book editor (who was great) and I was excited to try something new. Because this was unknown territory for me as a therapist, I hired a social media and graphic design agency. A publicist. A speaking and booking agent. A marketing firm. And an executive coach.
Eventually, I lost myself. I lost my voice. I lost my intuitive instincts. I lost my passion. I lost my flow. I lost my inspiration. And ultimately my power. I gave my power away to this team of people because I believed they knew better.
I did some soul searching. I got back to the basics. Got back to Andrea.
I just lost sight of who I was. It might sound ungrateful, but having a team stifled me.
A team was not for me. I needed to do it all like I’d always done. Something inside me knew I could do it. I had to do it.
The choice became obvious, I needed to say goodbyes.
Meaning, I let go of my team. They were extremely talented people, but it wasn’t working for me. They served a purpose for a season and then suddenly the grace for that season lifted. Because…
It must be me.
Not because…
I’m paying a social media design agency and concerned about ROI thus forcing myself to write a specific number of posts and emails per week. Not because I signed a contract for another book with a publisher who is after me, expecting my next book by a certain deadline. (Thankfully my publisher does not operate using that model).
Not because my publicist’s prospects secure me exposure on impressive platforms and campaigns. Not because my agent offers a fancy speaking opportunity or prestigious media appearance when I don’t resonate with the chosen topic or have a personal connection to the audience.
The pace is too fast and the “requirements” for growth and recognition do not align with my interests, desires, or values. I’ve outgrown the age and stage of my life that complies with these societal standards for success. It really grosses me out because the industry demands are the total opposite of how I want to be influential and make an impact.
And I can’t fake it. I can’t pretend to be into something I’m not which is why I can’t just “play the game.”
I can do all those things, and even do them well - but there’s no joy.
A specific Bible verse was instrumental during my soul searching and was pivotal in my decision-making process:
Jesus says, “Don’t begin by traveling to some far-off place…and don’t try to be dramatic. Go to the lost, confused people right here in the neighborhood. Don’t think you have to put on a fund-raising campaign. You don’t need a lot of equipment. You are the equipment” (Matt.10, MSG). Talk about a timely, bullseye-to-the-heart confirmation!
After the goodbyes to my team, I had to face my fear of learning how to use technology so I could continue creating when I do feel inspired. Whether it’s posting on social media, sending email newsletters, or publishing videos and blog posts. I told the team during my virtual tutorial, while taking copious notes, pretend I’m in fourth grade while you teach me how to do this. I know nothing.
I’m a one woman show now. I do things my way. The sacrifice of time to be self-sufficient was well worth it.
The joy of creative control, independence, freedom of time, and unwavering confidence is a blissful way to live. Once I got in the flow, technology became second nature and I thought to myself, I can’t believe I waited this long! Life lesson here about fear.
All to say, or as they say in creative writing 101 – write what you know. Write what only you can write.
I write about my life.
When interviewed, Martha says, I was the audience. That was the secret. I was everybody who was reading that book. And they knew it. The authenticity was so important. They knew I was the same person. The personal story meant a lot to the reader.
The documentary affirmed; she was the first person that saw the marketability of her personal life.
Martha’s experience validated my decision and what success looks like for me too.
The cost of being perfectly perfect
Many ambitious women I know personally and professionally, me included, are perfectionists who want everything they touch to be excellent.
The documentary describes Martha: Everything she was going to do would be perfectly perfect. And I think it ruined her life. Because she’s not perfectly perfect.
The documentary goes on to explain the marital struggles between Martha and her husband Andy which eventually ended their marriage. Listening to the letters she wrote to Andy about how miserable she was and how she couldn’t eat, or sleep was heartbreaking.
Martha asks, what is more important, a marriage or a career? I don’t know.
As ambitious women, many of us are balancing marriage and career. We care deeply about both and feel the tension of prioritizing both. I’m pretty sure balancing the tension between these two is an issue I will struggle with for the rest of my life. All I can do is stay aware, so my perfectionism doesn’t turn into a villain.
The mental torment and emotional distress of the pressure to be perfect and do more is what I learned to release.
I released the pressure to build an empire, dominate an industry, or be the number one.
This doesn’t mean I’m not tempted from time to time. Because don’t get me wrong, I have moments where I feel a self-inflicted pressure to be the best.
Something I’ve learned about myself is that if I want a dream badly enough, I’ll give up anything for it. I will make the daily necessary sacrifices. If I don’t have that mentality of sacrifice and the drive is not there – I will not be successful at it. Because there are other things I do have the drive for.
Sometimes I’m like, should I though?
This is when the same (self-imposed) questions come back to haunt me…
Shouldn’t you publish your next book?
Shouldn’t you be growing your social media following?
Shouldn’t you be speaking all over the country?
Shouldn’t you be offering paid courses online?
Shouldn’t you have a podcast?
Shouldn’t you offer retreats for women?
Shouldn’t you hire more therapists?
The answer is, I don’t really want to. The drive isn’t there yet. Or the timing isn’t right. And I’m content and happy right where I am.
(Side note about the retreats, I do now – just launched! But for years it remained a should question. Then suddenly the timing was right, and it was so much fun to create.)
When well-meaning people ask me these same “shouldn’t you?” questions above, I say, I don’t know.
There are no three words more freeing to me right now than: I don’t know.
I never say NEVER, but I love to help the people around me making them feel special and seen. That’s not possible to do for tons of people. I care deeply about my people and give them permission to show up authentically and unapologetically as themselves. I love to write and speak about what inspires me. A contract, a deadline, a script, an agenda, or a team would take my magic away.
I don’t need to be a world-renowned speaker or go viral and have millions of followers or be a New York Times Best Seller.
Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self. – Cyril Connolly
The truth is, I don’t care about being a famous author. I care about being a happy writer. And what makes me happy is reaching people that tell me it’s as if my words captured their heart and were written just for them. That for the first time in their life, they have language for what they couldn’t quite put their finger on.
It’s not about the money or the fame. It’s about expanding relationships.
Speaking and writing is about expanding my reach outside of my psychotherapy practice to connect with women I’d never have the chance to meet. It’s about helping one person at a time and touching their heart on a personal level. It’s about the joy of receiving emails from people about how I helped change their life.
Do I have other books inside me? Yes.
Will I host a podcast? Yes.
Will I continue to speak and teach? Absolutely.
And I do speak quite frequently here in my community. It’s when I feel most alive. I travel to speak periodically when I want to. But I’m selective about it. What I’m asked to speak on has to resonate with me. As mentioned earlier, I must be personally connected to the audience and message.
Do I want to travel constantly and live out of a suitcase? No.
Do I want to be a social media influencer? No way.
I don’t want to live my life for social media.
I post when it’s fun without being the crux of my focus. And because I know from people’s responses how helpful the content is to them, and therefore, worth it to me. I like having an online presence on the side that goes on in the background. My time and energy go to my clients. If my online presence grows organically, great, if it doesn’t – I could care less.
I rather use my time to connect with the people I cherish in real life. To have deep, meaningful conversations with people in my community. And to engage in long-form content (like these blog posts) that encourage nuance and critical thinking instead of algorithmically-driven quick fixes.
It’s a slippery slope when the premise of success is hinged on something outside of you (i.e., how many likes, followers, views, reviews, stars, ratings, gigs, etc.). It’s an emotional rollercoaster.
My measurement of success is not in the number of followers, but in the number of lives changed for the better.
Do I want to offer online courses? No.
I want a face-to-face business. Not an online business. People want to meet with me one-on-one. They want a personal relationship. They want to feel seen and be heard. Not go through a self-paced DIY online program where they see me through a video series with a study guide attached. I have no desire for an online business when the counseling industry is one-on-one.
I know a lot of therapists who become public figures and hire a bunch of other therapists for their online business, so they get paid more while they’re off trying to be famous. And they call their online business therapy when quite frankly, it’s unethical. The justice part of me gets angry about this.
Anyway!
Healing happens in a real relationship.
You can obtain all the education to try and fix yourself. Watch videos, listen to podcasts, take online courses, read self-help books and blogs, and hear sermons...yet education, self-awareness, and knowledge can only take you so far. True transformation and lasting change must be experienced in a real relationship. Mental health and emotional health are not just about gaining knowledge and education - it's about one-on-one therapy.
Wow went on a bit of a tangent there.
Point being, I stopped worrying about the next achievement out there for me to obtain and reminded myself of what I already had. Besides, I’m not going anywhere. Intuitively-speaking, I’ll know when it’s time to make my next move. (Like the Boutique Intimate Retreats that I recently launched).
I find the Netflix description of the “Martha” documentary noteworthy: A thriving career. A beautiful home. Life looked perfect for Martha Stewart – but did that perfection come at a cost?
Henry David Thoreau wisely said, “The cost of a thing is the amount of life required to be exchanged for it.” For me, the cost of endlessly chasing the next big thing is not worth exchanging my peace, health, and joy.
The truer I am to myself, the more I help others. And I can’t wait to wake up in the morning.
I LOVE my therapy work. And I also want to be the boss who has the freedom and independence to create any of those other things only when I really want to. When the day comes to pursue additional passions like publish my next book and start a podcast– it will not be costly. My time and energy will suddenly align. It will be invigorating.
In the meantime, I have my two loves: My relationship with my husband and my therapy practice. (And God obviously – don’t get all spiritually judgy-wudgy with me. Kidding.). Oh, and speaking when the message and audience resonates. Also, writing emails like these when I feel personally inspired. Thank you, Martha, for validating the power of connecting with your audience based upon your personal life mantra.
Speaking of mantras, here’s mine:
Going above and beyond for one person at a time
I don’t have to be out there making a difference for thousands of people to matter. I can make a difference one person at a time. This feeling of contentment I have right now is what matters most.
The real luxuries in life for me are time, slow mornings, a peaceful mind, unworried sleep, meaningful conversations, a great love, and the freedom to choose how I spend my days. There’s nowhere else in the world I’d rather be. And that was the success I realized.
I don’t want to live in a high level of exhaustion, exertion, and stress. Constantly overachieving when I have everything I ever wanted in the present. I don’t want to be constantly connected and always on. I don’t want to chase after people. I don’t want to be too burdened and too busy to enjoy life.
Rather than focusing on the long list of achievements I could chase after, I only focus on showing up and being fully present for the people in front of me. My husband. My clients. My friends and colleagues. I go above and beyond for each person. I give myself permission to fall more and more in love with my life every single day.
Sometimes, we think the more we sacrifice, the more success we will have, and the happier we will be. Your ego might be happy, but is your soul? Do you have real joy? And what about your health?
What’s the point of “being successful” if you don’t enjoy your success?
Every one of us can point to a person who has more money, more promotions, more houses, more bestsellers, more followers, more achievements, but who are less happy.
This is often why some people are souring spiritually while many in esteemed positions are soul-starved.
Take Martha Stewart for example. Martha says, I was spending all my time doing that stuff and not really concentrating on “my life.”
How much time could you spend in the actual living of your life if you let go of striving for more?
How often do you even stop to revisit the purpose of it all or remember what inspired you in the first place?
Redefining success starts as a mindset. You determine your nonnegotiable priorities. You get real and ask yourself, what do I really want? Not what do you think you should want. You do the hard inner work of figuring out the answer. You course-correct when and if you need to.
The tricky trigger for me is not as much about achievements as it is about the endeavors I really care about that feel like callings. The moments when I falsely believe I’m not living within my full potential or purpose. I falsely believe I’m behind on my own life. I feel the burden of my calling. I feel burdened by the potential of all the things I want to accomplish now, that I know are my gifts. I must remind myself that I am not behind because I’m exactly where I’m called to be. Right where God has me.
If you’re living your dream and doing what you love right now, enjoy it! Refuse to let your joy be stolen by thinking your life will get better when you achieve more to be successful. Even when those things feel like callings. Embrace your present moment success and celebrate your happiness.
Sometimes success and the happiness you really want are already right there in front of you. You don’t have to strive to achieve the next one quite yet. Especially if it allows you to focus more on the people and work you truly love right now in this season of your purpose.
The case of Kate
Many of my clients who are obsessive overachievers try to convince themselves they are grateful to do this work, even though they are left feeling anything but grateful. Maybe the work brought joy for a season, but now there’s a discontentment they refuse to acknowledge.
Kate, (not a real person, but a fictional example of a compilation of many clients), finished a whirlwind book tour resulting in a New York Times Best Seller, lucrative consulting contracts, and prestigious media appearances. Yet she didn’t know what to do with herself next. No matter how much she was achieving, she wasn’t achieving enough.
She was highly successful but highly stressed. She had money, power, and prestige but lost her inner peace.
Kate went too hard for many years and hit a wall. She got so wrapped up in the tyranny of the urgent, the martyrdom of always saying yes, and the glorification of busy - that she missed out on being present in her own life. What started as an ambitious labor of love to build something greater and more impactful, took a toll on Kate.
Eventually Kate realized she can redefine success, keep doing what she’s doing, but modify her approach and reset priorities. Based upon the best use of her time. Reducing the stress of the career/calling she’d wholeheartedly established. She stopped being so busy and focused more on what mattered most to her. Essentially, having peace and being happy.
I think each of us can relate to Kate in some way.
I love to spend time with my husband, and I need a lot of alone time and personal space. But I need (and love) to spend time with my clients. When I’m with them, I’m all theirs. Similarly, when I’m with my husband, I’m all his – fully present and available.
I also have my NHID (Non-Human-Interaction-Day), a term my brother created. One day off every week where I do nothing. Stay in pajamas all day. Not schedule a single thing or talk to anyone. This is a necessity, not a luxury for me.
Remember your why
In a world obsessed with work and achievement, stepping away from the achieve-more-mentality can be scary. All this work, work, work makes us sick and too tired to enjoy our success. It takes us away from our “why” – the reason we originally choose our career path. It traps us in an unending cycle of having to outdo ourselves, when what we really need is a nap. And our joy back.
Remember why you started.
An important question I ask myself and my clients is, “Are you pursuing the next big thing because you really want it, or because you think you should want it? Or simply because it’s there to be achieved?”
Success is not an external achievement. It’s creating a life I love so much that I have nothing left to prove. I’m not sacrificing my joy for some societal goal I’m supposed to want.
The “look good” achievements. The ones that look good to others. Look good on social media. Look good on paper. When you release those, I bet you will show up better and more energized for the work and people that matter to you most.
What are you sacrificing to achieve the next success and is the cost worth it at this age and stage in life?
Many successful people have repeatedly told me that they find happiness and avoid burnout by no longer pushing for achievements. Instead, they redefined success and pursued their purpose. Never losing sight of their why and by focusing on the people in front of them.
I don’t know about you, but most times God takes me on a journey I didn’t know I needed to bring me everything I ever wanted. Trust the process. Trust your intuition. Trust His Divine Timing. God always has a plan. He knows you better than you know yourself. Ask for His wisdom. Surrender your dreams of success to Him. That’s when the miracles happen.
“Roll your works upon the Lord, commit and trust them wholly to Him; He will cause your thoughts to become agreeable to His will and so shall your plans be established and succeed”. (Prov. 16:3, AMPC)
You don’t have to change your career or do anything different in your current career at all to redefine success. You can even dream bigger, but you don’t have to force your dream to happen.
The point is that you become less of a control freak. You’re not driven by fear. You don’t constantly compare. Your health and well-being don’t suffer. Your relationships don’t take a back seat. Your identity isn’t tied to your achievements. You don’t sacrifice your peace. And wait for it…
You can enjoy where you are right now and be happy.
___________________________
*Thank you to women like Martha Stewart who courageously share their life lessons and personal experiences. Ambitious women who pave the way for the rest of us desiring to help others and make an impact in our world.
.png)